Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A blog about blogging

It's an interesting experience writing for this audience- an audience that includes my mother, cousins, sisters, brother and father- who have all been witness to crucial moments in my life, toppling emotional turmoil, and other stepping stones along the way; an audience that includes my college and highschool friends- who have seen yet a different side of me, been along for the ride, and at times where they may not have known, been the hands pulling me up; an audience that includes members of my church back home- those who have seen grow, but as a face in the crowd, from the bouncy three year old who went to church for skittles, to the fifteen year old who went to church for a sense of belonging, to the twenty-four year old who feels something calling her back there, but can't quite name the sensation; an audience that includes other YAVs elsewhere- perhaps looking for some sort of window into life in Tucson, or perhaps searching for some sort of reassurance that there are some other struggles and triumphs along this journey in our year together; an audience that includes some college professors, who have seen me both put forward an effort and delve deep into an academic triumph, and putter around with some words on a page to make something work that just may be good enough to turn in; an audience that includes some people whom I've met in passing, who upon hearing about what I'm doing as a YAV, feign some interest and ever-so-politely take down my blog address, who have no real inkling as to who I am, what struggles I may face, or what experiences have brought me here.

And then, dear reader, there is you- perhaps you fit one of those boxes I just tried to put you into, but perhaps you don't. You have come to my blog for reasons I can only try to know, but can't figure out- perhaps you're searching for some sort of understanding of what life has been like living in Intentional Christian Community with four others, sixty miles north of the border, in work that regularly takes me to Mexico. Perhaps you're simply looking for something to do while doing your trading at work today, and happened upon this updated blog.

No matter your intentions, I am completely understanding that I do not know them.
Point being- I need to stop writing for an audience, and start writing for myself.
I have written many drafts, saved on this little computadora of mine, that I have failed to post- usually the reasoning being one of the following "this isn't directly related to my service here, why would someone want to read this?"

Or, more typically, I write.

I write how I feel;
I write about what has made me question my faith;
I write about was has broken me.

I write for a cathartic release.

And then, read it and realize that in putting it on this blog for all to see, I'll be exposing myself. My soul will, unquestionably, be broadcast naked.
Raw and bare emotion- I've discounted those as too much for this little blog of mine.
But, if I just paint you the picture of what I'm doing here in Tucson, and how my life has been as a part of Intentional Christian Community, I'm creating a wall between my experience here and your understanding of it.

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